Find some business
My mother had a practice: if she had a compliment for you, she gave it to you. If she liked what you wore to church or said there (the core of her social interaction), she told you. Even when her intent was good, she felt negative chatter often began with good intentions. You might point out a positive about a person outside of their presence, and it flies until somene says, “But you know…” Suddenly, that conversation went to the bad place. My mother’s method left no room for anyone else’s caveats. You know what she said, because she said it to you. Wise woman.
As a general rule, I question myself when I say things about people when they aren’t around, whether it’s positive or negative. It’s how I was raised. It’s why I would rather blurt out to a stranger that they’re beautiful, kind, or wrote something dope than whisper it among my friends, opening the way for idle chatter. But this is not to say that I’m blameless in that regard.
Most of us aren’t mean or malicious. But we are prone to saying and doing things we shouldn’t when we’re idle. It really takes one negative word to be planted about a person, and then, that’s all you see. That person you thought was so dope is one misstep from you remembering a flaw of theirs and using it to justify your own negative feelings.
In private conversations and even in public via social media, I’ve said things I shouldn’t. The human nature aspect of it (“we all do it”) doesn’t outweigh whether or not I’d be better served shutting the hell up. Experience has taught me that you can’t be in a good place and tear down other people; not even in small ways. The math doesnt add up.
About a year ago, I was getting at people every chance I got (thanks, Timehop!) and someone called me out on it. I didn’t react well initially, but once I calmed down, I thought about what I was projecting. I thought of the arguments I had with people in personal conversations, after I’d clearly been needlessly negative about other people. I felt the spirit of a bitter old broad creeping up on me and I wasn’t a fan. A year later, I’m not all that I can be, but I’m so much better than what I was.
My productivity is up, my spirits are up, and life kicked me in the ass by removing the things and people who would hinder progress in that regard. I found some business. I promised to make my forties a time of “I did” rather than “I will,” and the cherry on that sundae is that I AM.
I don’t want you to get like me. I’m a hot mess. It’s all a process and as long as I live, I have things to learn. But come progress with me, because growth is dope.
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